2014 Blog Entry - Lucy vs Real Name
Having an alternate persona is weird. It started, of course, to conceal my identity but then it grew and I learned this persona had a voice of it's own and many platforms of which to take advantage of. Like an internet troll I realized there was minimal consequence to what "Lucy" had to say. "Real Name" can't advocate for the rights of sex workers without having to answer a lot of questions, she also can't post boob pics on Facebook. It's not just an online persona either which is freaky. I use Lucy to introduce myself, I answer to it and I have even been recognized as Lucy out it public (that was very awkward).
Some days I feel I spend more time as Lucy than I do myself. I even have nicknames for my fake name, Luce, Lucy Loo, Lucyfer . She has lots of friends (I'll let you pick what friends means) she chats with people online has dinner dates with men, gets the occasional gift and sometimes even gets to travel. I guess you could say she is popular but she is also ferocious, kind, opinionated, slutty and brave. I am jealous of myself sometimes, it took becoming someone else to find the courage to be who I wanted to be. Lucy has confidence I was never able to muster, she has done things I never would have done. Anonymity is like a superhero drug, even just the tiniest bit makes you feel invincible. Like most drugs it's up to you to not overdose and sometimes you need a babysitter but what a fucking thrill. I have overdosed a few times, it's hard not to. Lucy's purpose is to be fun, flirty and a carefree object of desire.
Lucy and I have some things in common we are both intensely passionate, we lust for life, kissing turns us on, we are stubborn and opinionated and we believe that laughing with your lover in bed cures all that ails you. The real me is not so confident and very shy, perverted but not so openly slutty. The real me doesn't like makeup or getting too dressed up just to get laid. The real me has few real friends and stays in on the weekends. Real me reads books and watches endless comedy in hopes that some day she may be as brilliant as Amy Poehler. The real me is submissive and thrives in a controlled lifestyle. The real me is a sucker for romance and wears her heart on her sleeve.
Over the last five years Lucy and I have become good friends. As weird as it seems we even have different opinions, Lucy changes my mind about things all the time. We have very different experiences, she has done things I thought I would never do and convinced me that I enjoyed as much as she did. I always wanted to believe that Lucy was very genuine, that there was no acting or different hat I put on to become her but I learned that just wasn't true. When I am Lucy the real me doesn't exist, because she doesn't matter in that moment. Remember being in school and just totally forgetting that your teachers were human? It's something similar to that and now I know one of the many reasons that teachers drink! Lucy is an act and there are expectations of her so I must act accordingly. I can't be Lucy at the grocery store and it's best if the real me stays out of her business. We had to learn to coexist so we just became friends.
When all is said and done and I am beyond thrilled to have had the chance to become Lucy. Like a child I watched her grow and mature and like a child I know some day she will have grown old and moved on. I will always appreciate the good times we had together, the arguments in the mirror, the countless lessons, the laughs. I thank her for allowing me to see myself as beautiful and for giving me the confidence and courage to become something so unexpected and amazing.